I wish I could punch you in the face.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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