i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She needs sedatives and a leash
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
