My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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