my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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