Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
