Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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