You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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