You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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