May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Randomize
