"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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