Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
