I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
