I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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