I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
