i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I wish there were birth control emojis
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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