you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
