The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
