We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
