fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
