so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
