Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
