My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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