i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
