you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
