I think my fart just growled at me.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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