Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
