so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
