if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
