I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
