so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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