Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
