ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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