I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
