One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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