Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
