my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
