This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
