seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
