I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
