Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
