Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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