Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Houston, we have a blender
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
