Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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