I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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