I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
