She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
