tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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