Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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