I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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