I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
