Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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