Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
