I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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