all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
