If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
if only i could text you this smell
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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