I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
